Written by Jennifer Kolari, Connected Parenting, Transform Your Challenging Child and Build Loving Bonds for Life is exactly the type of book I would normally glance at as it sits on the shelf at the local big box bookstore and then I’d keep walking. Why? Because from the title I would infer that it is one of those self-help type books of which I am not a fan.
So much for first impressions. After the first few pages I was hooked. The writing is engaging without being preachy. And the method Kolari proposes to help manage difficult and/or challenging children seems logical, practical and sensible to me. I can’t claim to have tested it yet (since Amelia is too young) so I can’t say whether Kolari’s technique worked for us. But, I do plan to try this method when Amelia reaches the “testing the boundaries” age.
Kolari’s technique involves recognising that children who are acting out usually need to have their underlying feelings validated through mirroring (demonstrating empathy and showing that you are really listening rather than immediately trying to fix the problem). Once a child feels that his feelings have been validated, he will calm down and it will be easier to help him come up with a solution, or to make him understand that he will now face a consequence for his behaviour, according to Kolari. Although she suggests that her method is counterintuitive to what you would normally do as a parent, it seems pretty straightforward to me.
Mirroring, Kolari says, is not a parenting technique but a therapy technique. She provides numerous examples to illustrate the difference between making observational statements about a child’s feelings (not mirroring) and reflecting their feelings back to him/her (mirroring). Without having tried it out, it is difficult to say how quickly a parent would be able to get comfortable mirroring but I have a feeling it might take some practice. Kolari does emphasize that using this technique does take some work and that you really have to be willing to act the part until it starts to come naturally.
While reading, I often found myself nodding along with Kolari’s parenting advice. Among other things, she advocates “frontloading,” or discussing with your children what behaviour is expected of them before they are put into a specific situation (dinner at a restaurant, a birthday party, etc.) and then following through with previously-discussed consequences if they misbehave. Kolari also suggests that kids need boundaries to help them feel confident and secure in learning about the world and their place in it. I was raised this way and so she wasn’t saying anything I hadn’t already thought about in terms of the type of parent I’d like to be, but it’s always nice to have your opinion validated by someone else.
The first half of the book held my interest easily. However, a remarkable amount of repetition about how to apply the connected parenting technique in the second half made finishing the book somewhat less enjoyable. It also seemed as though Kolari rushed through the last few chapters in an effort to cover all her bases (how to deal with special needs children, troubleshooting common problems, etc.). Here’s hoping that the published version will be tightened up considerably.
This book has earned a spot on my parenting shelf.